just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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