ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
