1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize