ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
