just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
