Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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