His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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