im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
