just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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