Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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