oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
