Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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