Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
