I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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