...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
