Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
