Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
