I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
