ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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