i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
