Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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