my phone needs a breathalizer
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
