I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Drunk is a universal language darling
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
