if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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