I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's never too late to be topless.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
