You don't have asthma, your pregnant
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
