i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
