The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
