I puked a lego.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
