she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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