How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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