One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
