just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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