I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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