Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
