Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
