i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
