Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
