We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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