lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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