life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
