Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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