In America we eat man semen.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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