Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
