apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
