Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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