Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
