We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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