i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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