We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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