I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
