i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize