Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
