Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
