I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
