who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
