why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i think i have two assholes
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize